A letter to my seventeen year old self

A letter to my seventeen year old self:

 

You’re going to get sick.

 

Really sick, not dying, but sick in a way you never knew people could be. It’s going to be terrifying. It’s going to last, it won’t get better but it will be tolerable and manageable…most days at least.

 

Some days you will barely make it out of bed. You won’t be able to leave the house, be alone, cook or walk without something happening… you will spend mornings on the sofa with everything you could need: food, water, mobile, house phone, tv remotes, books, laptop because getting up is not safe.

 

Your mum will come home from work every lunchtime, your dad will ring at least once a day, your sister will drop everything because you did get up and went unconscious (like you knew you would) and hit your head on the bath.

 

You will hate it. It will last a few months and get better. And worse too.

 

The losses of consciousness will ease (over the course of years, not fully disappearing though), you will lose friends, especially a good friend who you think understands but she doesn’t and she doesn’t want to. You make a new friend a little bit later, you meet a soul sister.

 

You will get a diagnosis that asks more questions than it answers. You will be more tired than you have ever felt before and those will be your good days. You will be in constant pain. Everything hurting all the time. Different levels of pain different parts of the body but still pain.

 

It sounds horrible and it is hell. But you will get through, you must keep moving forward because there is no other option.

 

You will find yourself in this illness. You will call yourself a feminist and an optimist. You will find out that you are stronger (mentally and emotionally, physically you will get weaker) than you could imagine.

 

You will see you parents cry over how bad you are, and will be the one offering comfort. You have a sense of humour to get you through but some days are dark and devoid of laughter. But they pass.

 

You will learn to find beauty in the little things, the brightness of the moon, the rain on the window, the recipe you accomplish, walking a little bit longer today than you did the day before.

 

You will give up your English Lit degree without graduating and without regret. You will take a break and go back to study at a different university and a different degree: Business. Don’t ask why, I’m part way through and can’t answer that. But you will do well. I don’t know if you will graduate, not yet, I’m still working on it. I promise that I will do my damndest to graduate. Studying is so much harder when your mind is blank and gets blanker the harder you think. But you will work hard and study harder and you will learn to trust your instincts… it comes in handy.

 

Let your instincts guide you, trust yourself and you will be surprised at what you achieve.

 

You will learn to love yourself, live each day as it comes, don’t feel guilty for resting… you will do too much a few times and not pace. Learn quicker than me. I still get this wrong and pay the price. Listen to mum when she tells you to stop. This is a long and hard lesson that hasn’t sunk in yet.

 

Don’t be too proud to use a wheelchair, screw what other people think, don’t judge and try not to get too defensive when people judge you. Your empathy level will go down for what you consider a small hurt. But don’t diminish someone else’s pain just because you deal with worse on a daily basis.

 

Most importantly remember who your friends are (they are the ones who stay), that family is there to lean on, you can ask for help and you can cry without being weak. You are strong. You are powerful. You are incredible and you are going to make it through all of this. Just hold your head high and put one foot in front of the other.

 

You got this. We’ve got this.

 

Love,

Me

 

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Um. Hi.

So my whole post something everyday went to pot for like a month and a half.

I did write. I wrote poetry. I am in two minds about hoarding it to put into a compilation of poems later on in life or sharing them with the world now. Dilemma.

Things have been good but hectic. Uni is tough this semester. More work and harder too.

We are looking to move to a bigger house so having to deal with all that stress too. On top of making our current home a bit more appealing so the past week has been physically exhauating which is taking its toll. I feel like death. I do one little thing and I somehow feel even worse. But life goes on.

How are you all? I hope you are doing well. I will try to be more regular in my posting again but I cannot promise daily. Not yet.

Take care of you.

Virus

My nephew may or may not have a virus. He may or may not have slapped cheek. The doctor was unsure.

I’m just crossing everything I can that I haven’t got it, nor do I get it.

But my hands and neck are particularly sore and stiff. I’ve been more lethargic than normal since last Sunday. I didn’t even go to uni and I haven’t gone over the lecture I missed.

Oh well.

Take care of you.

wow.

I watched the new Beauty and the Beast. No spoilers. It exceeded expectations. I was enraptured. It was beaitiful and the acting/casting was en pointe. Utterly sublime. I want to see it again and again and again.

I also did my test 20% of the grade so fingers crossed I have done well enough.

The clocks go back an hour so I can finally have a sleep in. I am beyond shattered.

Take care of you

Sonnet 17

So I have a test tomorrow and a quiz due for the same paper at uni. Fun times. Had my tutorial today and could not concentrate. I had a headache and my shoulder/arm was sore I ended up writing a sonnet. Only its less of a sonnet in technical terms and more of a poem.

This is what I spent 1 hour doing instead of calculations.

Sonnet 178

The letters all blur into one

The numbers cannot be done.
 
I can’t think straight
I don’t care about interest rate.
 
Painkillers get me through
A tedious  test or two.
 
My head pounds.
The volume of sounds
 
Is loud and screeching.
I am almost sleeping.
 
Two hours are lasting forever.
I want to do this never
 
Again. It is the worst.
My calculator’s cursed.
Take care of you.

Perspective

I have lost all perspective. This arm pain feels like the worst pain I have ever been in. Probably because I cannot rest it.

I still have to cook dinner eberynight. Nobody has even offered to do it. Do they not see the pain I’m in? Do they not see me barely moving my arm? Do they not see me popping paracetamol every 4 hours?

The assumption is that I will cook. Well I don’t want to. I want to rest and cry and not have this bloody arm hurt so much. Is that too much to ask?

I don’t need this on top of the stress from uni. Breaking point seems much closer yet still far away. I am made of stern stuff and sometimes I wish i wasn’t.

By a thread

I am barely holding it together. I just want to cry and sob and curl under my blankets never to come out.

I sat in my lecture today feeling more and more overwhelmed by the minute. I almost cried. And when the 2hours were up I could hardly move my hand. I went to 3 bathrooms in 3 buildings to find hot water to loosen it up and move it.

Ny right hand, arm, shoulder., neck is a mess and my normal physio isn’t working at the practice she is doing a sports clinic so I don’t know what to do about that … or my test ot anything.

I just wish it was over.

Best laid plans and what not

So I have not done so well at posting daily.

I am seriously struggling with uni. I am so confused and don’t understand what I have already been taught and it more is being piled on each week.

I am overwhelmed.

I have had a tension headache for 3 days, my shoulders are tight, my right arm is tight and sore and I’m not sleeping well and it is all getting on top of me.

I have a quiz due April 1st and a test on april 1st and I’m going to see the new Beauty and the Beast (no spoilers) it doesn’t come out until the 30th here.

I am not sure what my breaking point is but I think I am near it.

Take care of you.

i have them all

I have all 365 things I need. Spent a good hour or so this afternoon cutting 375 (I made extras in case of mistakes) pieces of paper to the same size that can be folded over and still be big enough to write on.

I just need to write them. And find a jar. My dad is printing out a label if sorts at work for me tomorrow. Its all coming together nicely.

Take care of you

30

I need 30 more ‘inspirational’, ‘just be you’, ‘motivating’ quotes.

Have you got any favourites? Be they from book, movie, song, blog or just your own personal mantra let me know! Please *insert puppy eyes here*

Take care of you