I wasn’t expecting it today but I got the marks back for the latest semester at uni. I passed! And better than I thought I would. I worked so hard, and felt like I had no idea what I was doing from the first lecture to the exam but obviously my manic studying worked.
I only this year started back at university, and it’s been tough. The stress levels alone are nightmarish! I can only manage one paper a semester but it’s something. And I feel like the successes I have gotten through these past two semesters has brought bigger rewards of self-pride and self-confidence in my intelligence and I have learned over the years with my illnesses to trust my instincts. Go with what feels right. And I’m finding that applies to more and more aspects of my life: tests at uni, exam questions, cooking dinner, people… I’ve always been a reasonably good judge of character but since getting more intune with myself I’ve found that I put up with less shit, can spot bullshitters from a mile off and if I get a funny feeling about someone, its best to cut my loses and turn my back. I can do this with less guilt than I felt when I turned my back on three different “friends” at different times of my life after years of issues with each of them in turn.
Having these illnesses has made me more confident in who I am. I have less fucks to give and I trust myself more.
There are positives and they may be few in number but there impact is high and I think the hell that M.E./CFS and Fibro are have been balanced out by the good shit it’s taught me about myself.
I’m proud of who I am, and what I have achieved. Because I’m up against so much. But, “we’re all of us up against something”* and as true as that maybe it does not detract for my success. And the same goes for each of you, just because you’re up against something similar or completely different to someone else and you do better or worse than them it does not take away from the success you have had. Take pride in who you are, what you achieved today, this month, this year, this decade. You have every right to be proud and confident and comfortable in who you are and what you have done. It’s all a matter of perspective.
Take care of you.
*From Freedom Writers