There is no monster under my bed. There is no monster inside my head. There is nothing I can see that is hurting me.
But you’re there. Always there.
In my muscles and my joints. In the nausea, the aches and the pain. My lifetime companion; my most hated friend. I only wish for it all to end. The pain to stop, the sleep to start, I wish that we could part. For a lifetime, a day – hell, I’d settle for a minute… free of these shackles, a life without you in it.
But then who would I be? Without you beside me.
Would I be happy and glad? Or confused and sad?
I do not know.
I do not know if I want you go.
No. Come back, please.
I am safe in your embrace. I know what I am able to do, and without you anything can come true.
I hide your pain behind my clothes. My lipstick and my smile. I am not your victim. I am not weak.
I may cry but for every tear I make sure I laugh. For every frown, a thousand smiles. For every extra burst of pain I will keep fighting. I will keep moving forward, always because I am alive. I do not thrive but I survive. Survive everything you throw at me: unbearable pain, unbeatable exhaustion, brain fog, nausea, stiffness, insomnia… the list goes on and on and on and on and on.
I will not let you win. I will not give in. This hell I’m in, I walk alone, the devil burning up every bone. They walk with me but in the sunshine as I trudge through the rain. They leave one by one, only a few remain. Why? I think they like rain. For it brings rainbows and puddles to jump in, it brings life to trees and flowers and animals. The rain is surrounded by sunshine, together they can make extraordinary things happen. Together we can keep moving forward.
1am the pain is not letting me be, and I wonder how can I be lonely? My body has two minds… mine the one I control. And yours, the pain, fatigue, insomnia is all you know and you make it come and go. Like the tide it comes in waves, gentle or crashing, smooth or rough.
Would I be confused or lost? Would I be better or worse? Without you, my curse.